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.ashley.

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[28 Jul 2004|01:12am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

well, as a favor to someone who will always hold a piece of my heart, i'm not going to be writing in here anymore.

goodbye everyone.

[[2 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

me, me, me.. but you first. [28 Jul 2004|12:31am]
[ mood | crazy ]

why can't i ever just be happy?
i'm so confused.
i don't know what i want.
i know what i want.
i hate myself.
i just need to talk to someone.
i just need to be around people.
i need to smile.
i need to laugh.
i want everything to be okay.
i want everyone else to be happy, even if i'm not.
i hate this.
i'm going..

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

you should forget me, this is a long tour.. [26 Jul 2004|11:02am]
so, recently i've been doing a lot of thinking. i thought about a lot of different things and thinking fucks with me. it makes me so wary and indecisive.

i used to have a lot of friends. then shit went crazy and i had like 3 friends. then i made more, then shit went crazy again. now i don't even nkow how many people i can call "friends." i don't even know how i lost the friends i've recently lost. friendship is a lot more than spending time together. friendship is having someone there to talk to about anything.. something good, something bad, something you're afraid. you should be able to tell your friends anything at all without fearing their reactions. i sit here and think about this and realize that i think i have MAYBE 1 friend, and it's not who you'd suspect. i wish i could tell more people things, but i'm afraid. afraid of being cast out again. afraid of what their reactions might be. just afraid. i hate that i'm going through this. i hate that i've become so secretive in my life. i hate i hate i hate. i don't want to be just a bunch of emotions and secrets all bottled up. i'm just afraid of being hurt again, which leads to my next point..

i am terrified of being hurt again. how do i hide from being hurt? by not letting myself get involved with anyone. sure, i'll continue to go out and spend time with different guys and stuff, but i'm not emotionally ready for another committed relationship. i'm just so scared. i catch myself thinking about who i'd consider dating next and it makes me want to shoot myself. why am i thinking like that? i can't handle the emotions and problems that a relationship brings. i'm sorry if this hurts any of you, but i CAN'T be in another relationship. i don't have enough understanding to be with anyone, let alone enough understanding of myself. i'm still hurt and confused. i may seem happy lately, but i'm not. i'm not at all. i can't let myself trust ANYONE anymore. i don't know if i can take being hurt again. i don't know how i would cope with it. i don't want to do anything self-destructive. i don't want to fall into that pit of self-hate ever again. i don't like myself the way it is, but i don't want to let it get to that point ever again.

it scares me so much that no matter what, part of me will always care. that's a terrifying thought.

i know a lot of you will get pissed off at me for that last statement, but i can't do anything about it. that's how i feel and if you have something to say against it, fuck you. i can't change how i feel.

i want to be happy again. i just want to smile for no reason at all, just because i'm happy. i don't want to smile to hide my feelings anymore. i'm sick of smiling when i feel like i have no purpose. i feel like that a lot.

i actually had a lot of fun the other night when i hung out with goff. i wasn't thinking about anything, just having fun hanging out with one of my pals. ven when his car broke down, i was still laughing and having a good time. i feel like that when i' with a few of my pals, but i want that to be my permanent mind-set. that's how i used to be. happy-go-lucky, always smiling, "i laugh too much" ashley. now i feel i've regressed into "i'll smile so you think i'm okay" ashley. NYLF was another great time. i had so much fun in those 10 days. more fun than i had in a long time. i'm so glad i met those people. they made me smile and laugh. i wish i lived closer to them..

i can not wait to go on vacation next month. to get out of this depressing fucking city. to go somewhere i love. to go away with my best friend and just have 4 days where the two of us can do fun, crazy things without anyone else. just me and my best friend.

in a way i feel like i'm fucking things up in the long run by keeping this "don't get attached to anyone" mind-set, but it's what i need right now. i need to go out and experience things. in a year, i'll never see half of the people i go to school with ever again. in a year, i will be entering adulthood. in a year, i won't be the same person. in a year..
[[9 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

[25 Jul 2004|10:05am]
sometimes i just want to throw my hands up in the air and scream "i give up!!"

is this what you want?

i don't get it and you won't help me.

best friends means you pulled the trigger..
[[2 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

[24 Jul 2004|05:58pm]
[ mood | content ]

hello friends.

don't you just love when people ignore you for no reason at all? i sure do. it's even better when you have plans with that said person, and they don't even call, so you end up not doing what was planned. thank god for other friends who call and invite you to hang out when the said plans don't happen.

i've gone to a lot of shows lately.. wednesday was shadows fall and as i lay dying. as i lay dying rocked. i guess i was being too 'scene" to stay inside for shadows.. pfft. it was so fucking hot in there by the time they went out. i seriously thought i was gonna black out, but hey, that's no reason to go outside. yesterday we saw the graveyard assholes, i mean rumblers. shit. then we went to see kill the lights.. soooo fucking fun. i love that band and those boys. we hung out with sarah and caught up and informed her of a few things. we need to hang out with her more often.

tia, lacey, and i met up with nolan and kyle and we chilled in front of tia's house until 1 am. it was a good time.

FUCKING A! i just broke my goddamn earring.. motherfuckerrrrrr. now i guess i'll shove 10s through.. wish me luck with that.wow.. they actually went through with ease.. the right one kinda hurts. i liked those damn red and black earrings too.. :o(

well i'm gonna go finish getting ready to go ovr krista's tonight for the festivities haha.. hope you all have fun tonight cuz i know i sure as hell will be!!! ;o)

[[2 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

my dog is staring at me and i'm frightened [23 Jul 2004|11:17am]
[ mood | bored ]

so recently i've realized i'm not as obsessed with livejournal as i used to be. i don't feel compelled to update you on every single thing in my life. my life is good right now.. of course i'm still gonna update and shit but not as much as i used to. only when i feel the need to or when i'm bored. whoever is reading this doesn't need to know every single thing that's going on in my day-to-day life. if you know me well enough, then you know what's going on with me. if not, too bad.

survey.Collapse )

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

[22 Jul 2004|11:12am]
[ mood | stressed ]

my mom said it best when she said "it's not easy growing up.."

*sigh*

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

life is short haircuts. [21 Jul 2004|11:43am]
[ mood | lazy ]

so yesterday was a pretty good day. senior pictures kinda sucked, but the guy let me listen to my chemical romance while he took them. i wanted to bring the cyphilis cd in just to see the guy's reaction, but my mom would have shot me. he talked wayyy too much. an hour and a half it took him to take like 15 pictures..

after that i came home and tried to figure out rides to and from the zoo. krystl came over around 6 and we ended up walking down to the zoo. we made a pit stop by cvs to tell tia. went back to the zoo and chit-chatted with varun. it was good to see him again.. i miss nerd camp :o( we talked with nate, drew, and gay for a bit and went inside. i wasn't liking the first band so krystal and i decided to venture out to the mean streets of wilkes-barre. we bonded and realized we are tooooo much alike and that we both should have been guys. haha. i<3her. we must have done 10 laps around cvs waiting for tia. at this point we walked to taco bell to eat and then to turkey hill for candy which i later threw away.

went back to the zoo in time to see rahim. they were pretty good. party of helicopters was next. they were decent. i've seen better but i've also seen much worse. hands are.. was next. they're always a good time. i love that one song haha.

after them it was getting late so we went to meet christian. we came home and chilled. krystal and i fell asleep early, but tia was up all fucking night talking to brock online haha.

volleyball wasn't too bad today. i can't serve or hit. oh well.

shadows fucking fall tonight! and i get to hang out with steve so i'm majorly excited. i haven't seen him in like 17 years.

yeah so i'm gonna go take a shower and get started on my chores. byees<3

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

[20 Jul 2004|12:10am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

heyy. so today was a pretty good day. practice wasn't bad at all. hopefully i'll be able to walk tomorrow.. i really think i will be able to, we'll see though. after practice i came home, changed, and went right to work. work blew. i was bored and couldn't wait to leave. customers pissed me off so bad today and i think they knew it.. i was very unfriendly with some of them.. oops. after work, nolan and kyle picked me up and we met up with the other guys at sheetz. went back to nolan's with bryan and the three of us watched "saving silverman" til i hadda come home.

tomorrow i get my senior pictures taken.. ohhh gosh. i don't wannnna haha. tomorrow night is decahedron and party of helicopters at the zoo. that should definitely be a good time. i think krystal might stay over if she comes with me.. if not i dunno haha.

i love orange tea from turkey hill. i haven't had it in forever, and i opened the fridge and there was just enough in the jug for one full glass. yumm. turkey hill rocks, but wawa's peach iced tea is oooo much better. <3iced tea.

but yeah, i'm going to bed. nightie<33

[[6 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

life is sleeping. [19 Jul 2004|10:11am]
[ mood | flirty ]

heyy.

so yesterday i went out with paul. we went to barnes and noble until they closed then to super walmart.

i came home and bryan called me saying they were going to nolan's so i went along. he, nolan, kyle, and i sat around and watched dvds. i had a good time. bryan kept yelling at me cuz i "wasn't doing anything" haha. i came home and talked on the phone for a long time *smiles* and then i watched american history x, called tia, and fell asleep.

woke up to tucker sitting on my head.. yeah awesome, huh? now i'm just sitting here chit-chatting with nolan while he's at work.

i have practice at 2 today which kinda sucks. and right after practice, i have to rush to the wonderful world of kmart.. yippee!! or not. only working 4-9 so it won't be THAT bad, but whatever.

well i'm gonna go be lazy for a bit.. byee<3

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

life is wonderful. [18 Jul 2004|07:33pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

guess who's coming home from vacation a day early to see fucking killswitch engage, from autumn to ashes, eighteen visions, anddddd thirty-six crazyfists?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ASHLEY FUCKING BRANDT AND TIA FUCKING ADAMS!!!

rock the fuck on motherfuckers!!!!!!

[[9 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

life is denny's. [18 Jul 2004|02:24pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

heyy. so yesterday was awesome. work went by fast and then i came home and got ready to go to the shindig at tia's gram's. lacey picked me up around 9:30 and we got there. jim was already there chillin with tia. we hung out for a while and had lots of fun, then bryan and nolan arrived. after about 20 minutesof deliberating about where we should go to eat, we went to denny's. it was packed to the hilt with posi kids haha. bryan and nolan stayed in the car cuz they already ate so we were just chillin inside with them on speakerphone. amazing times were had. we made jim and tia drink sprite mixed with barbecue sauce, ketchup, onionc rings, and lettuce.. yuck. drew and company showed up a little bit before we left. he was taunting me, but i decided to hold back my violent aggressions haha. next time, bitch! we stood outside and chilled for a bit then we left. speeding and then driving slowly and taking to each other the entire way home. bryan and nolan went to their houses and jim, lacey, tia, and i went to her gram's where we met up with tim and chewy. from there we travelled to turkey hill and made a pit stop to nolan's house on the way back. i talked to him for a few then we went back to tia's gram's. since it was after 1:30, all the guys left and the three of us went inside and chit-chatted. i love hanging out with tia and lacey. they rock my world! we stayed up for a lonnnnng time and just talked and laughed.

work sucked today but you'll have that. i needa take a shower soon. i'm hanging out with paul tonight. i haven't seen him in forever. volleyball 2-4 tomorrow then work 4-9.. it's gonna be a long fucking day. butttt after tomorrow, the greatness of this week kicks in. decahedron/party of helicopters/seeing varun on tuesday, shadows fall/hanging out with tia, lacey, steve, etc. on wednesday, baseball game thursday, and then the graveyard rumblers on friday. rock.

well i think i'm gonna go take a shower now cuz i feel scummy.. effin kmart! byeeees<33

[[4 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

life is trainwrecks. [17 Jul 2004|09:21am]
[ mood | chipper ]

thursday night, tiaaaaaa stayed over. we ended up sitting online all night on two separate computers. we both chit-chatted with brock from city of ruin.. he's a good guy. we ended up staying awake til like 5 just laughing.

so yeterday, we ended up not going to posi numbers.. that sucked but there were good reasons.

it turned out to be an amazing day. i found out gas fumes cause cancer in lab animals. ended up go to chilis were amazing things happened. i couldn't stop laughinf.. "tim.. I MEAN JIM!" haha. then we hit up the malll......... HE SAID HI TO ME! i almost fucking died. i stopped liing him for a while, but wow.. yesterday, with those very few simple words, i almost died. gorgeous.. i don't care if everyone else thinks he's a trainwreak, and yes, i can seduce him from the back, thank you very much tia. weirdness also occurred at the mall, but we're not discussing that here.

we went to wal-mart and tia and i stalked a big posi fest guy. amazing. we also sat in comy chairs and "watched" tv. after those escapdes, we returned to tia's humble abode. we sat inside for a while then bryan came to visit us. what a good guy! he gave us demos. we chatted with him for a while and then he left to go to nolan's. haha he told him we were all going and we didn't.. he's mad at me now haha. jim, another good guy, called and we chatted with him for a while, then we called lenbob. he's another good guy. he's a nice boy on the phone.

so we get off the phone and we're falling asleep and my phone rings. "OKAYYYYYYYYYYY" "YEAHHHHHHHHH" and "WHATTTTTTT" are shouted in my ear. i thought i was gonna go deaf, thanks a lot veetz. he, steve, and cindy called from their hotel in jersey, but since nextel sucks steve's phone kept cutting out. steve rocks my world because he got jamey jasta's utograph for me.. JAMEY JASTA WROTE MY NAME! he wrote "to ashley" and that ashley is me, not any of the other ashley's in the world, me!!! ahh. steve is amazing.

work today 11-4. then party at 222 park ave again. it's gonna be lots of fun this time cuz more people are staying over. only thing that sucks is that i gotta be at work for 8 tomorrow. i think i'm hanging out with paul tomorrow. he's supposed to call me and let me know so we'll see. if not tia and i might hit up city of ruin's practice so tia can see her love, brock. hahahaha. oh man well i'm gonna ge going.. byessss<33

[[4 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

i'm like poison on your tongue [14 Jul 2004|09:25pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

if anyone sees this boyCollapse ), tell him i want to marry him.

so today was okay after i got a hold of myself. i didn't go to practice cuz i still am sore as fuck. work wasn't too bad. it went by decently fast.

i called paul when i got home, and it kinda made me feel better. we might do something on sunday when he gets home.

my mom comes home tomorrow. ugh. haha. at least my fucking grandmother won't be here anymore.

i'm gonna go back to the days of always being broke cuz i do nothing but go to shows anymore.. so many shows, so little money. oh well, it's worth it!

what do you all think of my new layout?? i love itttttt. special thanks to timetofade for taking the time to make it.

<3

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

[14 Jul 2004|09:24am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

i was dealing so well.. and then i woke up today. i tried so hard not to let it get to me anymore, but it didn't work. i fucking hate this day. it hurts so much more, and just because of a number. whyyy???

i think i need to make a phone call tonight.. i'm so scared though. i don't want to cry anymore.

i don't want my heart to break anymore. i just want things to be good again. to be happy. to smile just to smile, instead of hiding how i really feel. to be loved. to love someone. to have someone to turn to. to have someone i can tell everything to.

who knows when i'll find what i want.. :'(

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

*sigh* why the FUCK do i let myself get like this?!? [14 Jul 2004|08:55am]
[ mood | depressed ]

So say goodbye to the vows you take.
And say goodbye to the life you make.
And say goodbye to the hearts you break.
And all the cyanide you drank..
[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

you said you and what army.. [13 Jul 2004|10:24am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

heyy.

so vollyball kinda sucked yesterday. i'm so sore. i can't walk up or down stairs and when i do, i look like an ass.

yesterday was pretty boring. after volleyball i came home and took a bath, hoping that'd help some ,but it didn't. i sat around for the rest of the day pretty bored. i ended up watching some of the home run derby and then switching to i love the 90s! amazing show.

so john l wanted me to work in the cafe this morning, but i couldnt cuz i'm scheduled to work tonight. ugh. anyone wanna hang out when i get outta work? probly not, but i figured i'll put the offer on the table. i kinda don't wanna sit home. especially since i can stay out til whenever!! ugh.

well i'm gonna go find something "productive" to do. byeeees<3

[[2 persons came back to get fucked on the operating table]]

[12 Jul 2004|09:28am]
[ mood | bored ]

i'll cut it this time for you..Collapse )

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

walmart, the best place in NEPA to fight. [12 Jul 2004|12:29am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

heyy.. so tonight was nothing short of awesome. tia and i were sitting here bored beyond belief when nate Ims me. we decided that he, drew, tia, and i would hang out. we ended up going to walmart where drew and i fought some and nate bought gun earmuffs haha. also saw miss o'kane and miss gregson.. weirdness lol.

we then went to karaoke night at red robin. wow.. wilkes-barre is gross sometimes. after those escapades, we travelled back to walmart to use the bathrooms where i discovered the automatic sinks.. wow. we all just chilled in the parking lot for a good 45 minutes. it was good times. drew and i fought hardcore haha. i seriously think i broke at least one finger. it's kinda swollen and gray lol. we discovered our lives are like a big movie. nate and drew are amazing. icks in a pickup truck called them fags haha it rocked. we were gonna go to giants despair but my mom sucks so we didn't. next time though..

drew and i fought several more times before i made it home haha. i love fighting with him. i can kick his ass any day of the week haha.

my mom and ron leave for jersey tomorrow. anyone wanna hang out any night this week? let me know cuz i can pretty much stay out til whenever cuz my gram is staying here and she won't care what time i'm out til/what i'm doing, so let's take advantage!!

yep so someone better call me to hang out at least one night. haha. byeeee!

[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

you'll probably hate me for not using LJ-cuts but i dont care! :o) [11 Jul 2004|01:44am]
WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?: ashley lynn catherine brandt.
-WHERE DO YOU Live?: ashley, pa.
-SEX OR ICE-CREAM?: sex.

-WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: hot pink with white and purple flowers.. ooh la la.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?: wishing i had something to do.
-WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID?: filled out a different survey.
-WHAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU?: my window.
-WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE OUT WITH?: umm.. matt and goff.
-IF YOU WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: a broken one.
-WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: somewhere warm.
-WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?: no one.
-HOW MANY BUDDIES DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR LIST?: 112.
-HOWS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?: nice but i'm freezing.
-LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?: tia.
-LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU?: jim.
-LAST PERSON YOU TEXT?: jim.
-WHATS YOUR RING TONE?: "love i don't have to love" by bright eyes
-WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS?: no clue.

AGE?: 16.
HAIR?: black. short. emo. hot.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: grey gym pants, orange, navy, offwhite zip up.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?: no.
WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU ATTEND?: hangover area.
WHO DO CONSIDER YOUR CLOSEST/BESTEST FRIENDS?: tia. a few others.
DO YOU OWN A VEHICLE?: yes.
HAVE YOU EVER WON A SPECIAL AWARD?: no.
WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS?: nothing.
FAVE FOOD?: i don't know.
FAVE FILM?: requiem.
LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA?: anchorman.
FAVE DAY OF THE YEAR?: 09*02 haha.
DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE?: yes.
ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT?: yes.
DO YOU SLEEP NAKED?: sometimes.
WHAT IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?: cutting.
DO YOU LIKE SCARY OR HAPPY MOVIES?: scary.
CHRISTMAS OR EASTER?: Christmas.
LUST OR LOVE?: lust.
KISSES OR HUGS?: both.
COLOR OF YOUR PJS?: i don't wear pjs.
WHAT COLOR'S YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?: green.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS SURVEY?: woot.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: being unloved.
WORST SOUND?: death.
WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?: fuck.
ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING?: exciting.
HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT?: whenever i get to it.
MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: conor oberst.
ZODIAC SIGN?: virgo.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE?: photographer.. *sigh* its never gonna happen though cuz my mom is evil.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: it varies.
WHATS YOUR FAVE NUMBER?: 2.

NO GIRLS, FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT:

THONG OR KNICKERS:
LONG OR SHORT HAIR:
TALL OR SHORT:
BREASTS OR BUM:

NO GUYS, FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT:

BOXERS OR Y FRONTS:boxers? boxers.
DARK OR FAIR: fair.
TALL OR SMALL: scrawny.
SIX PACK OR NICE ASS: nice hair.
DOES SIZE MATTER: hahahaha

(FOR BOTH TO FILL IN)
MOST IMPORTANT PHYSICAL FEATURE: eyes.

MILK, WHITE OR CHOCOLATE?: white.
ROOT BEER OR DR PEPPER?: dr. pepper.
MUD OR JELLY WRESTLING?: ky jelly haha.
SKIING OR BOARDING?: boarding.
DAY OR NIGHT?: night.
SUMMER OR WINTER?: summer.
CAKE OR PIE?: cake.
SILVER OR GOLD?: silver.
DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?: diamonds.
SUNRISE OR SUNSET?: sunset.
HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?: no.
DO YOU HATE ANYONE?: stong dislike.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIGHTING?: yes.
WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?: retarded shit.
DO YOU HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?: ehh not really.
WHO DO YOU TURN TO FOR ADVICE?: tia. bill.
WHO'S THE FIRST TO ASK IN COLLEGE/WORK IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT?: krystal and jim.
YOU COULD HAVE 1 SKILL IN LIFE WHAT WOULD IT BE?: to read minds.
WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SHOP?: anywhere.

- The Extra Stuff -

WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?: everything.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?: nothing.
DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?: never.

- Favorites -

COLOR(S)?: black.
CD or TAPE?: cd.
ANIMALS?: duck-billed platypus.

- HAVE YOU EVER -

GIVEN SOMEONE A BATH?: yes.
BROKEN THE LAW?: yes.
GONE SKINNY DIPPING?: yes.. i'm going again soon haha rtfo.

FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND: straps

GRASS: weed.
ZEBRA: gum.
SOCKS: holes.
DUMB: dumbo.
HOUSE: shingles.
BOB: bobby k.
FISH: sticks.
SPACE: clutch.
HUG: me.
[[ get fucked on the operating table]]

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